Untouchable
by Saber Wing
Summary: I wanted to hate you, you know. I tried so hard.


_**Author's Note: **_Hey there, everyone ^_^. Back for another Seed piece. Trust me, I'm surprised that I am writing something about Flay. In the past, I hated her guts, and I still can't say that I like her. But, after watching Gundam Seed yet again, I paid closer attention to her actions, and I completely understand her now. Especially after writing this. She is a very tragic character. I pity her more than anything. She was emotionally fragile and weak, but there's a little bit of Flay in all of us. Some can overcome it. Others can't. That's the way I see it, anyway.

Don't get this wrong, I'm not at all a fan of the Kira/Flay pairing, but though I do not believe Kira ever truly loved her, I do think Flay loved him, in the end. This takes place when the Archangel is docked in Alaska, right after the events with Dearka in the infirmary. Enjoy ^_^

**Untouchable**

**By: Angel Wings-008**

It was cold. Why was this disgusting ship so cold?

My feet dragged slowly down the twisting corridors as I stumbled my way through them, vision fuzzy and blurred together, legs weak, stomach sick. Why were these hallways such a ghost town? Where was everyone, anyway!_?_ Nobody was in the mood to do much I supposed, and the Archangel was on standby in Alaska, so there was nothing _to _do even if they'd had the motivation. Was that right? Maybe. I didn't know. I didn't care.

All I knew was that my body was shaking, and that it was cold. No one was here to help me. No one seemed to be anywhere, except for that revolting robotic bird that _he_ used to carry around with him. It was perched on my shoulder right this very minute, chirping that annoying little tune and poking at my cheek.

My first thought was to shoo it away. Take it and smash it in my hand. Make sure it was crushed, beaten, broken beneath my feet, and that it could never get back up; never spread its artificial wings and take flight again. What right did it have to touch me? It was fake! _Manufactured, _just like those coordinators. Just like him!

Kira.

Shivering...I was shivering, trembling, shaking beyond control, and the tremors only increased more and more with every step forward my legs carried me. Silently, I told myself that those things didn't matter. Nothing mattered. My name was Flay Allster. No one was good enough for me. Why should they be when I was never good enough for the world? That was why daddy was taken from me, wasn't it? That was why I was trapped on this ship, wishing I was anywhere else, and yet having nowhere else I wanted to be.

This was boring. So horribly boring. Where was that boy? Why wasn't he walking with me? A chuckle escaped my lips, though I couldn't explain why. Never could anymore. There wasn't any real reason to laugh, but I did whenever possible. It was crazy, but it was all that was left. Illusions. Like when making _him_ pay was on my mind. That always gave me the hollow illusion of happiness, didn't it? Oh, it wasn't really happiness, of course. That was the illusion part. I laughed and laughed about it, though, despite what was in my heart. I think I knew...I _know _I knew, that the idea of killing Kira wasn't funny, but I...I wanted it to be. Even now, a horrible desperation took shape and wouldn't let go. Why did things always turn out like this?

It wasn't funny. It _wasn't funny_.

No use resisting. The giggles spilled from me like water into a riverbed, and I managed to pretend that it was, if only for a moment. That further proved my own weakness. If laughter didn't spill, tears would quickly take its place. The thought of that was far too terrifying to me, and I couldn't face it. Couldn't face anything.

At some point I had paused in the middle of a hallway. Why wouldn't my legs move? Why couldn't I breathe_!_? Before I knew what was happening, both my arms were wrapped tight around my stomach, almost as if they could hold me together all by themselves. I struggled to contain those pitiful giggles. Those _crazy,_ hysterical giggles that spilled from my lips, but even though my hand was clamped hard over my mouth, the sounds still echoed unerringly down the corridor. Struggling was futile for me, wasn't it? Each and every time I fought tooth and nail. Each and every time, it never did any good.

And yet here I was again, _struggling_ to stop finding amusement in something that wasn't funny. Struggling not to break under the strain of a thousand lies. Struggling not to remember him curled up in the cock-pit of his mobile suit, looking as young and devastated as I was, and I _certainly_ struggled not to remember the way his eyes lit up when he smiled. But, no matter how fierce the fight, it was pointless. Failure knew my name, and knew it well.

This was no use. I couldn't do it. It was time to stop playing pretend.

You were so kind, Kira. Maybe _too _kind. Smart, and strong. Selfless, courageous, compassionate...everything that I wasn't. You stopped and looked at me, even when I wasn't really looking at you. Gave me a chance, the chance that I would have literally shot straight out of that flawless pair of hands.

_Coordinator _hands. Hands that were dirty and tainted with my father's blood.

My motifs for the time we spent together were far from pure even at the best of times. I was using you, and you knew it right near the end, but still, there wasn't an ounce of condemnation in that violet-eyed stare. I was merely dismissed and sent away, as deserved. Fitting. I'm not worth more effort than that. It was painfully obvious wasn't it, Kira? How shallow and cruel my inner self turned out to be. Why else would you have known to send me away? Although, maybe that too was an act of kindness. Again. Always so _nice, _weren't you?

You could have sought revenge and made me suffer; it would have been an easy feat to accomplish for a coordinator. There were a number of things that you could have pulled off without leaving a scrap of evidence behind as proof to incriminate you, but you didn't. Things like that weren't in your nature. The thought wouldn't have even crossed your mind.

You saw something good in me when I never could have done it myself. Foolish boy. There _was_ no good. Whatever you saw wasn't there to begin with, because I was scum and I knew that better than anyone.

You were a coordinator and I despised you, but still you smiled at me, and held out your hand.

The worst thing of all? I set out to make you love me, but in the end, it was I who fell in love with you. What a joke! What _sick_ irony! What a pathetic fool I am. You felt nothing but obligation in return; maybe some compassion, too. Even I wasn't delusional enough to convince myself otherwise anymore. What we had wasn't _love_, oh no. It was unhealthy. That's why you ended it, right? That's good, Kira. No one should love me. No one _can _love me. Should have known better than to try to take down someone who was so far superior in every way.

Untouchable.

Untouchable.

You're _so untouchable. _I think that's what bothered me about you from the start.

The giggles wouldn't stop. They _wouldn't stop_, and still they streamed unchecked out of my mouth, even though there were tears all over my face and it _wasn't funny_. It was cold. It was _so cold. _Kira? Why aren't you here? I take it back. I take it _all _back! I'm sorry...just come home. Please come home. Please...?

I wanted to hate you, you know. I tried so hard. I guess that in the end, I really can't do _anything_ right.


End file.
